I’m not sure how many loyal followers I have out there, but a few of you may have noticed that my blogs seemed to have really thinned out the past few months. Rest assured, it’s not purely due to laziness…purely. Nor is it completely due to the craziness of my schedule, nor lack of material to write about. It has more to do with the complete and total exhaustion that comes with being pregnant – with twins. The kind of tired that leaves you out of breath going down the stairs. Yes, you read that right. Someone said it best to me the other day – there’s really no kind of tired like pregnant tired. And I will have to agree with that. Trust me – I’ve been all sorts of tired in my life: I just played 5 softball games in 100 degree heat tired. I was up all night studying, took finals and played a basketball game that night tired. Two-a-days tired. Cry all night tired. Work 18 hour days tired. Up all night with a sick kid and then work an 18 hour day tired — And none of those are quite the same as pregnant tired. I’m not trying to take anything away from the other kinds of tired – but for me, these little miracles take every ounce of energy I have. Please don’t get me wrong – we are completely blessed in every way possible, and I’m not complaining – I wouldn’t trade this exhaustion for the world. I’m simply explaining that rather than blog at 8:00 at night, I’ve either been in bed for thirty minutes, getting that oh-so-precious sleep that I crave every minute of the day, or I’m getting home late from work, and heading straight to my pillow. On these nights, I’ve had several ideas of what I want to blog about next, but before I can get my ideas down on paper, I’m sound asleep until my lovely alarm comes a-calling at 5 in the morning. So on this three day Martin Luther King Jr. Day weekend, I’ll take a little bit of time to write about what’s been going on. Now, if you’re interested, I’ll take you through our journey to twins.
Early last year, my husband and I endured a difficulty that too many couples are all too familiar with. We discovered 6 weeks into my pregnancy that I had miscarried. The baby that we were preparing to meet in 9 months would not be. This was one of the hardest things we’ve been through as a couple. I know that at only 6 weeks along, we maybe shouldn’t have had our hopes up like we did. I also know that people endure fertility journeys much more difficult than ours, as many of our family and friends have been through things I would never wish upon anybody, and I often pray for their healing and success in their journeys. I also know that the most probable cause for the miscarriage was that the baby itself was not compatible with life. And, I also know that we have been blessed with an amazing child already, so I should take comfort in that. I know all of this, yet in that moment, our hearts were broken. Going through a miscarriage is hard. One, for the obvious reasons, but two, how do you deal with it? Do you tell people? Do you keep it to yourself? How long is the right amount of time until you’re “ok?” It’s such a taboo topic, that you can oftentimes feel alone, and let’s be honest, it’s not a real enjoyable thing to talk about. So here I was, a few days later, with a forced smile on my face, and I headed back to work. My thought process was that sitting around at home wasn’t going to make me feel any better, so I may as well get back to a job I enjoy, and at the very least, get my mind off of the events of the past few days. Was it too soon? Maybe, but I was happy with my choice, and before I knew it, I was back in the groove. Don’t get me wrong – this fall when our baby-to-be would have been born, I felt the sting come back, but with a strong faith in God to get us through, healing came to us once again, and we were stronger than ever.
Shock and Awe
So, as you can probably imagine, when we found out we were pregnant in November, we were over the moon excited. Let me re-phrase that. We were cautiously over the moon excited. Even with the miscarriage earlier in the year, it’s hard not to jump for joy when you get the good news, right?! So, I went to my doctor, the pregnancy was confirmed, and just to be on the safe side and to give us peace of mind, she scheduled a sonogram for me ASAP. So here I was, six weeks along, and on my way to the doctor to find out if the pregnancy looked like a viable one. I tried to keep it very low-key for my husband and me. In fact, I told him to stay home for the sonogram – that I’d call him afterwards with either good or bad news. It’s weird – I felt like the lower key I was about the pregnancy, the less of a chance I had to jinx it. (Because that’s something that actually happens, right?)
Ok, before I continue on with the story, let me take a brief time-out for some family history. My mom is an identical twin. My dad is a fraternal twin. So when someone asks if twins run in my family, I just kind of giggle and say, “You could say that.” So it would be an accurate assumption to think that throughout our marriage, my husband and I have joked around about the idea of having twins.
Moving right along. When I went in for that six week sonogram, I was nervous. Really nervous. It had been so clear at this point in the pregnancy last time that something was wrong. Would we see the same thing this time? Would it be hard to tell if everything was ok? The questions were nagging at me, even until the moment when I saw them. It was kind of simultaneous. The sonogram technician was telling me at the exact time what I knew I was seeing on the screen. Two sacs. Two babies. Well, little rice like things that had heart beats. They were babies. Our babies. Two of them. And they looked fabulous, from a medical standpoint. Insert a myriad of emotions. Pure happiness. So excited. Panic. Money. Panic. Happiness. Oh my gosh, the money. Happiness. Blessed. Three kids in daycare. Excited. Panic. Happy. Oh geeze, my husband isn’t here, I told him to stay home. I laughed. What else was there to do? This was the most amazing news ever, but you could accurately say, we were in a little bit of shock. You see, we had agreed that we would be done having children after our second was born. Oh how God laughed at us for trying to make our own plans, and I’m so happy He did.
Waiting For July
So here we are, three sonograms later, 12 weeks along, and the babies look great! It’s funny. Even with the “shock” and “panic” that come along with the idea of two babies at one time, if something were to happen during our pregnancy to one of them, we would be completely heart broken all over again. We’re very aware that even though the first trimester is over, something crazy and out of our control could happen. But for now, we take comfort that our prayers have been answered, and we look forward to and welcome the fun times and challenges that lie ahead of us. The first 12 weeks of this pregnancy have been no walk in the park, but I welcome trimester 2 and 3 with open arms, and although the thought of being 9 months pregnant with twins in the middle of the summer makes me sweat, even in this subzero winter weather, I’ve never been more excited for July in my life. Prayers for a healthy and full term pregnancy are always welcomed and appreciated from all. Thank you to all of our family and friends who have already shown such amazing support. We love you all!